Mommy Guilt

It has been a pretty rough week.  What was supposed to start out as a fun weekend with Ben's birthday party, ended up being a quiet weekend of recovery when the little guy woke up Saturday morning with a fever.  He still had fun at his party, and I'm so thankful to everyone that came despite his sickness.  Unfortunately his fever hung around for most of Sunday, but by that evening it was gone and when he woke up Monday he was still fever free.

Unfortunately, he still wasn't feeling better.  He woke up whining and crying because he didn't want to go to daycare.  I knew he didn't feel well, but without a fever, I really hoped he would feel better once he got there and started playing with his friends.  That was the case, for him, but I felt horrible all day.

I've had some bouts with "mommy guilt" when I find myself too busy to play cars with him, or working on nights when he wants me to stay home.  Going back to work, even part time, brought on some mommy guilt.  Monday, I was consumed with mommy guilt all day long.  I knew he didn't feel well, but I took him to daycare anyway.  I should have kept him home for more rest.  But what can you do when you have obligations to work?  When I checked in on him late in the morning I got a good report saying that while he was definitely more mellow than usual, he was still acting normal.  I breathed easier for a while, but it didn't assuage all of my guilt for leaving.

On my way home I got a call saying he wasn't feeling well anymore.  My husband was already on his way to get him, so I knew wouldn't be there too much longer, but I'll admit I drove home as fast as I could.  And I may have cried a little.

The next morning I stayed home with him for the morning.  He still wasn't feeling well, but at least when I dropped him off a daycare for a couple of hours, I knew he was doing ok. The next morning the fever was back and I stayed home with him again in the morning and took him to the doctor.  Poor little guy has a case of bronchitis.

Today we're home together all day.  Watching cartoons, reading books and hopefully recuperating.  I wish we could do this everyday.  But we can't.  And that's where mommy guilt comes in.  It sucks, and I hate it, but I have a sneaky suspicion it's just a part of motherhood that I'm going to have to get used to.  I need to work.  He needs to play with friends at daycare.  This isn't going to be the last time I'll feel guilty about not being there for him, but at least I've survived this round, and hopefully he won't be getting sick again any time soon.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that he feels better by Sunday since it looks like we're in for a massive blizzard this weekend.  I'm pretty sure our yard is going to need a snowman, or two, and definitely a fort...

Happy Wednesday!

I really thought January would be a quiet month.  I was very, very wrong.  Both jobs have been busier than I expected and I've piled on extra this month with my work from home job, since I had to prepare tax documents and will now be starting year end journal entries....which haven't been done for the past three or four years.   Busy, busy!  School started last night, just one class this semester due to the almost impossible task of scheduling classes around two jobs and a three year old.

Did I say three year old?  Yup, Ben turns three next week and I'm still in shock at how fast this has happened.  But then when I think about the fact that Jake turned TWENTY last week I can't help but be overwhelmed at how fast time goes.  TWENTY.  Ugh. 

Fortunately twenty year old children don't require elaborate birthday parties.  In fact, this year Jake asked for a pie instead of a cake, so it was a very low key birthday.  Phew.  It gives me time to gear up for what I hope will be a pretty sweet "Jake and the Neverland Pirates" birthday for Ben next weekend.  Spoiler:  I'm planning on making a pirate ship birthday cake.  Because I AM super mom....

Since I've only managed to steal a few minutes this morning to write, I'm going to have to keep this short.  I will share a pretty hilarious Ben story though.

Last week Ben and I were leaving the house, I was going to work in Portland and he was off to daycare.  As we were walking out the door he turned to me a said, "Mom!  You forgot your work cape!"  And I said, "My work cape?"  "Yeah Mom, you're work cape."  So I looked over at the counter and saw the apron I wear to waitress laying on the counter.  "My apron?"  "Yeah mom!  You're work cape."


I had to giggle at that one....

New Year: New Resolutions...sorta...

Happy New Year!

Ok, I know, I'm a bit late, my resolution this year should probably be to be a bit more timely, but oh well.

Last year I spent a lot of time thinking about my resolutions.  I set some goals for myself, things I wanted to do, milestones I wanted to reach...and I'm proud to say I met none of them.

Am I disappointed?  Nope.  Because 2012 brought a lot of unexpected things with it that I am just as pleased with!

My first goal for 2012 was to read 100 books, including 5 Jane Austen and 5 non-fiction.  If you count text books, I think I reached the non-fiction goal.  As for Austen, I read three.  Which I don't think is bad at all!  It's Jane Austen for Pete's sake!  As for reaching 100 books, I didn't quite make it.  I read 65 books.  It's still a pretty impressive number!  Especially when you consider that once school started in September I completely gave up reading for pleasure!

My other goal for 2012 was to write more.  Definite fail on that one.  I think I wrote less.  And I really wanted to force myself to do some more creative writing, which did not happen at all.  Oops.  I really have no excuses for that.  I could have done more writing, I just didn't. 

Despite not meeting any of my 2012 goals, it was still an excellent year!  When the year started I was a stay at home mom, home everyday with Ben, working a couple evenings a week.  A couple months into the year I started working during the day one day a week and I put Ben in daycare.  I am so glad I did!  Ben has learned so much from daycare.  He gets along well with others, he communicates well and he's learned to be caring and compassionate towards his friends.  I can tell because he likes to tell me about how much he likes them all and how he loves his best friends.  His current best friend is a one year old little girl, so I'm pretty sure he's a gentle and caring friend.

When the year began we were struggling financially and still had the IRS repercussions of the short sale we did with our house in Limerick hanging over our heads.  What a relief it was to get that taken care of and discover that we had enough money saved up to pay our taxes!  Financially, that was a turning point for us. 

2012 also brought with it my decision to go back to school and work on an Associates in Accounting.  After doing basic bookkeeping for years, I decided that I wanted to increase my knowledge so I could maybe someday start a job in that field.  At about the same time I decided I wanted to go back to school, I was offered an entry level position in an accounting department.  It was a pretty good sign that I was on the right path and I started my new job at the beginning of the summer and have enjoyed being back in the work place, even on a part time basis.  School started in September and while it was definitely more challenging than I anticipated, I survived, with a 4.0 GPA to boot!

2012 also brought an awesome visit with my sister who came home for Utah for a week, and (almost) monthly visits to the island to visit my dad and stepmother. 

As you can see, 2012 was busy and filled with changes, which is likely why I didn't meet any of my goals for 2012.  But I'm really quite ok with that.

So, since 2013 is here now I should be setting new goals for myself, but unlike last year, I'm not going to set goals in terms of numbers or even specific things I want to do.  My goal for 2013 is to go with the flow.  I want to challenge myself to keep going with school, keep working at both of my jobs, keep reading and keep start writing.  But I also want to keep making time for my family and making memories with my son.  So my goal for 2013 will simply be to do the best I can at doing everything.  And I think that's a pretty good goal.

Bring It On 2013!!

Blog-cation

December was a little nutty.  Hence the vacation from my blog.  I didn't actually intend on taking a blog-cation, but that's just what happened.

The beginning of December was crazy as I finished up the semester at YCCC.  There was so much homework in all of my classes it just seemed like it was a constant uphill battle to get it all done.  But I did.  And I'm happy to say I had A's in all of my classes.  A 4.0 GPA is a pretty sweet way to start off this degree!

Once school and finals were over, Christmas started in full swing!  We took Ben on the Polar Express, went north to visit his grandparents and went to a family Christmas party.  There was shopping, wrapping, cooking and hanging out with family.  It was a lot of fun, but it also kept me quite busy!

Now it's over.  And my house looks like a toy store exploded.  There are currently four separate race tracks set up in my living room, in addition to a train/car table and a medieval castle.  How no one has tripped and broken an ankle is beyond me.  Tomorrow's goals will be to get rid of the Christmas tree so we can find spots for all these toys...just in time for January to get here with Ben's third birthday.  It's never ending....

January also brings boatloads of work.  1099s and year end stuff will all need to be done for my bookkeeping job in addition to my two usual jobs.  Fortunately I have a few weeks before school starts again, and then it's back to business with Accounting II. 

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy the last couple of days of 2012 and relax and play with my kid.  We've got enough toys to keep us busy indoors and plenty of snow to have fun outdoors!!

The Lights!

When I was a kid we had a sorta family tradition of riding around the island looking at Christmas lights.  It was never anything formal and not on any certain nights during the holiday season, it was just one of those "Can we go for a ride and see the Christmas lights, pleeeeeeeeeease???" things.  But I really enjoyed it.  Driving around and looking at the lights, counting how many houses we saw, marveling at the time and effort put into decorations.

After we moved off the island when I was in middle school, we didn't do much driving around to look at the lights. 

But now I've got Ben.  In Ben's opinion, Christmas lights are about the best thing on the planet.  Driving home from anywhere he's got his eyes out the window looking for Christmas lights.  And I get to hear things like "Mom, look at the purple lights!" and "Mom, look it's a 'nowman!" and "Mom, look at those pretty lights!" from the backseat.  It's pretty awesome.  I'm really glad he enjoys it, and I'm hoping we can make a few trips out this holiday season just to drive around a look at lights.  Perhaps we can have our own little sorta tradition.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

As always, I am thankful for my family.  Every last one of them! 

We made a lot of changes this year in our family and it seems things have really been working out for us!  I made the decision to go back to school, which prompted an amazing opportunity to start working part-time in the new career field I wanted to take classes in.  And while it's a bit overwhelming at times, and it means not spending as much time with Ben as I had been, I think having the extra income has really made a difference and I know I'm enjoying using my brain again both at work and at school.

We also made the decision to put Ben in daycare this year.  I hate that I can't spend every minute of every day with him, but the changes in him have been amazing to watch this year.  His vocabulary has just exploded and watching him play and communicate with other kids has been awesome.  It's also great to see him show concern and compassion for his friends at daycare.  I'm so glad that he's getting this experience a few days a week in addition to the days each week he stays home with me.

I'm thankful too that my husband was finally given some of the recognition and compensation he deserves at his job this year.  He's worked for a long time at his job and enjoys what he does, and while he struggled for a time over whether or not to find something new, I'm glad that things have worked out for him so he feels comfortable staying there.

We've also had some remarkable changes with the big boys this year too.  Marcus has made a huge turn around in his attitude towards school and life since last year and I am so happy!  His grade are better, his attitude is better and he's even challenging himself with college classes.  And while Jake is still taking his time figuring out this "grown-up" thing, he did make the decision to move out on his own and is learning how go about becoming an independent adult.

So yes, it's been a year of changes, and it seems all of them have been for the best.  And I am so thankful for that. 

And, of course, I am thankful to be a mommy.  Without question, the most amazing thing I have ever and will ever do.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just Say No to Scurvy

Jake came home today for Thanksgiving Break.  What, exactly, he's taking a break from, I'm not really sure, but he's here, he's staying to eat turkey, and that sounds good to me.

He actually just came home the weekend before last for a quick hello.  He had a friend drop him off while we were grocery shopping and, being responsible parents, we offered to buy him some groceries to take home with him.

It was going fine, we picked up a pack of macaroni and cheese, some snacks and pasta, nothing elaborate.  Then we walked through the taco aisle. 

Me: "Would you like some taco stuff?"
Jake: "Ummm, yeah, I think we're out of taco stuff.  That's what we cook when we eat real food."

Oh dear. 

If he's living in a house where tacos equate home cooking we have a bit of a problem.  Don and I both shook our heads and beelined it to the fruits and veggies.  We sent him home with a bag of apples, fruit cups, baby carrots and salad mix.  We gave him a bag of potatoes (who knows if he will figure those out) and a box of minute rice.  It wasn't an amazing selection of food, but who knows when he last ate a vegetable.  Argh!!!

I swear I've tried to teach them both to cook!  I guess I've still got some work to do....