Thursday, February 7, 2013

Mommy Guilt

It has been a pretty rough week.  What was supposed to start out as a fun weekend with Ben's birthday party, ended up being a quiet weekend of recovery when the little guy woke up Saturday morning with a fever.  He still had fun at his party, and I'm so thankful to everyone that came despite his sickness.  Unfortunately his fever hung around for most of Sunday, but by that evening it was gone and when he woke up Monday he was still fever free.

Unfortunately, he still wasn't feeling better.  He woke up whining and crying because he didn't want to go to daycare.  I knew he didn't feel well, but without a fever, I really hoped he would feel better once he got there and started playing with his friends.  That was the case, for him, but I felt horrible all day.

I've had some bouts with "mommy guilt" when I find myself too busy to play cars with him, or working on nights when he wants me to stay home.  Going back to work, even part time, brought on some mommy guilt.  Monday, I was consumed with mommy guilt all day long.  I knew he didn't feel well, but I took him to daycare anyway.  I should have kept him home for more rest.  But what can you do when you have obligations to work?  When I checked in on him late in the morning I got a good report saying that while he was definitely more mellow than usual, he was still acting normal.  I breathed easier for a while, but it didn't assuage all of my guilt for leaving.

On my way home I got a call saying he wasn't feeling well anymore.  My husband was already on his way to get him, so I knew wouldn't be there too much longer, but I'll admit I drove home as fast as I could.  And I may have cried a little.

The next morning I stayed home with him for the morning.  He still wasn't feeling well, but at least when I dropped him off a daycare for a couple of hours, I knew he was doing ok. The next morning the fever was back and I stayed home with him again in the morning and took him to the doctor.  Poor little guy has a case of bronchitis.

Today we're home together all day.  Watching cartoons, reading books and hopefully recuperating.  I wish we could do this everyday.  But we can't.  And that's where mommy guilt comes in.  It sucks, and I hate it, but I have a sneaky suspicion it's just a part of motherhood that I'm going to have to get used to.  I need to work.  He needs to play with friends at daycare.  This isn't going to be the last time I'll feel guilty about not being there for him, but at least I've survived this round, and hopefully he won't be getting sick again any time soon.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that he feels better by Sunday since it looks like we're in for a massive blizzard this weekend.  I'm pretty sure our yard is going to need a snowman, or two, and definitely a fort...