Friday, January 10, 2014

An Open Letter to Junk Mail

Dear Get BIGGER with Free Sample,

Thank you for not emailing me with an offer to enlarge my manhood.  For far too long I've been concerned that my email address, which starts with the word "princess," might be construed as too masculine.  I see now that you have finally identified that I am part of the 50% of the population that does not appreciate your weekly/daily/hourly offers to increase the size of my penis.  This due to the fact, of course, that I don't actually have a penis.

I'm truly glad to see that you have finally focused on attempting to enlarge something that matters to me.  Because, like the majority of women, I would in fact like to have "Boobs as big as balloons."

I appreciate that you have cut to the chase here.  No offers of inches, no promises of 40% growth.  You are bringing it right to the table.  "As big as balloons."  Yes.  Now that is a visual I can get on board with.  Balloons.  In my bra.  Thank you Get BIGGER with Free Sample.  I now know what perfection looks like.   And perfection is: "Boobs as big as balloons."

I think I'm going to go get some balloons today.



Gotta Love Spam!!

Friday, January 3, 2014

How to Snow Blow the Driveway

Step 1:  Call husband energetically offering to snow blow driveway so he doesn't have to do it in the dark when he gets home from work.

Step 2:  Bundle up in at LEAST 75 layers.

Step 3: Grab Blowtorch.

Step 4:  Hold Blowtorch on iced up shed lock for one minute.  Try not to catch shed on fire.  Try key.  Drop blowtorch in snow.  Swear profusely.  Get blowtorch started again.  Try not to catch shed on fire.  Blow out small fire.  Try key again.

Step 5:  Gently lower 5000 pound snow blower to the ground.  Resolve not to tell husband about the crash landing and possible denting.

Step 6:  Open choke, set to run, pump fuel thingey, pull cord.  Pull cord.  Pull cord.  Pull cord.

Step 7: Open choke, set to run, pump fuel thingey, stand on snow blower, pull cord.  Pull cord.  Pull cord.

Step 8:  Kick snow blower.

Step 9:  Text adult child living rent free in the upstairs bedroom to come down and start snow blower.

Step 10:  Make adult child pull cord.  Pull cord.  Pull cord.  Pull cord.

Step 11:  With (finally) running snow blower begin walking up and down driveway.

Step 12:  Get face full of snow.

Step 13:  Adjust blower thing to other direction.

Step 14: Get face full of snow.

Step 15:  Repeat steps 12-14 while walking up and down driveway until driveway has considerably less snow on it and face has considerably more.

Step 16:  Leave snow blower parked haphazardly at top of driveway.  Resolve to let lazy ass step-children or husband put it away and finish the shoveling.

Step 17:  Make tea and resolve that next time you want to do something nice for husband, bake cookies.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A Little Light Dusting

This is me with the figurative Pledge and rag in hand dusting off my blog for 2014.

I may have completely ignored my blog for the majority of 2013.  Whoops!  I did sit down several times to write, but it is harder than you think to start writing when you've taken a break for weeks/months at a time.

But I'm here now to report that 2013 was a pretty spectacular yet dull year.  And that is a-okay with me! We did have a few big moments, Marcus graduated from High School, Ben was fully potty trained and learned to write his name, Jake moved in...then out....then in again, and Don and I worked hard managing our money and were able to hire someone to replace (almost) all the windows in our house.  We are also in good shape to replace the bay windows and siding this spring.  Yay for home improvement!

But aside from those few items of import, 2013 was really pretty uneventful.  Just a lot of work, school, play and happiness.  I'm not sure you can ask for much more than that.

As for 2014, it is so far on course to look exactly the same as 2013.  Plugging away at my accounting degree, wishing it was a bit more interesting, working too many jobs but enjoying them, spending time with my favorite almost-four-year-old (yeah that's right FOUR), reading and, hopefully, writing.

I'm not going to set myself a lot of goals for 2014, but I do want to read less (perhaps I am the only person in the world with that goal?) and write more.  There is a woman and a story in my head that have been hanging out there for a while, and I think I need to see what happens when they appear on paper.  Probably nothing.  But then...maybe something.  I guess I'll find out in 2014!

Happy New Year!