Saturday, September 10, 2011

What's Next?

So, yesterday I posted about my upcoming high school reunion and how I am feeling anxious about attending and answering the inevitable "What have you been up to?" question.  But let me clarify, I don't necessarily feel as though I haven't been "successful" thus far in my life, I feel just a bit more irritated that I have not met my own expectations of where I would like to be at this point.  I had hoped to have a fulfilling career, or at least an idea for a fulfilling career by this point in my life, but I find that I am still completely clueless as to what I want to be when I grow up. 

I have been very successful on several accounts, I managed to graduate from college while working full time, raising a family and living an hour away from school.  I'm pretty pleased with that accomplishment.  I'm also quite pleased with my success with Ben.  You know, how I actually conceived him.  For a lot of people it's as easy as "Let's make a baby" and boom, they're done.  For me, there were a lot more challenges, right from the beginning, lots of failure and many, many opportunities to just give up.  I remember at one point the nutritionist I had been seeing for years asked me if I was ready yet to look at adoption.  I had to take a long hard look at what I was doing and what I wanted, and ultimately, I decided I wasn't ready to give up yet.  And I didn't.  I found an office in New Jersey that would provide IVF at a price I could (almost) afford, and I MADE it happen.  We will likely be paying off credit cards for the rest of our lives, but I don't care, I was SUCCESSFUL in getting what I wanted.

Perhaps that's what has me so frustrated right now, I don't know WHAT it is that I want next.  I think once I figure that out, once I find something I want bad enough, I will make it happen.  I KNOW I will make it happen...I just need to figure out what that next step is...and that has me very frustrated.

That's Success

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