Infertility Now

Yesterday I did a little googling about National Infertility Awareness Week and found a few blogs that women had written.  Both of these blogs were by women who had already had children after struggling for years with infertility, like me.  They both wrote about how it changed them, and how even after they had their children and made the decision that they were done trying to conceive, infertility still affected them.

After Ben was born I had really thought my infertility days would be over.  Sure, I'd be affected by the experience, but it wouldn't be the all consuming problem that it once was.  And that's true, to a point.  I also swore after Ben was born (or perhaps more specifically, while he was teething) that I didn't want a second child.  I love my son, but he was a rough baby.  But now that I'm watching Ben turn into a pretty amazing little toddler, I can't help but wish that I could do it all again.

Nearly two and a half years after he was born, I see all the people I know with children about Ben's age are either pregnant with, trying to get pregnant with, or have already had another child.  It doesn't affect me like it once would have, when I would have blasted the music in my car crying and singing to my hearts content, but it does affect me.

I always wanted more than one child.  When I was trying to get pregnant, all I wanted was ONE child.  And now I feel a bit greedy that I should want more.  But why shouldn't I?  Someone that didn't have problems getting pregnant wouldn't feel nearly as conflicted as I do.  Sure everyone has to weigh the financial aspects of having an additional child to raise, and the toll it will take on the rest of the family by adding another little body to share attention and time with.  But I have to look at the financial aspects of multiple rounds of IVF.  The fact that it might take several years before we conceive again and the age of not only myself, but my husband and stepsons plays a small factor as well.  And then there's the heart break.  Do I really want to do that to myself again?  More pictures of embryos that never made it to babies?  More days/weeks/months of being sad? 

So no, infertility doesn't stop affecting you once you've had a child.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that it will always affect me when I look and Ben and wish that he could have had a sibling closer to his age.  I'm thankful everyday that I have my son when many women are still waiting for their miracle.  But it still doesn't stop me from wanting, or wishing, or dreaming about another one.  And it doesn't stop me from wishing that infertility would stop interfering with my life...